should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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