He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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