Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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