The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
