I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
