I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
