we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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