Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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