someone owes me an orgasm
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
