i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
