Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
