I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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