Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
