I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
