I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
