I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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