bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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