On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
