Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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