I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
