I can text with my tongue
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
