Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Holy sore nipples Batman
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
