I just pynch a tree in the face
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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