A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
