Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
