I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The uberlube is also flammable
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
