I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
