you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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