don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
