Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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