In America we eat man semen.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
do herpes really smell.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
