tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
