I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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