dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
