Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
vagina is talking i cant
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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