Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
why do cheetos always look like penises
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
