Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
