I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
