16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize