You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
