omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
