Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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