I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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