You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
