Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
