Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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