I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
