mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
