thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
