This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Randomize
