If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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