Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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