I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize