a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
