Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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