i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
it's great music for shaving your balls
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
