Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
