Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
