Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
