Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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