just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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