Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
