Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
