Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sober January is a disaster.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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