I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This baby is an asshole
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
