How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
