Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
