Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
