Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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