Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize