ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
