i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
