my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
